Teaching Emotional Regulation as a Part of Executive Functioning

Emotional regulation is the ability to monitor, evaluate, and adjust emotional responses in a way that aligns with both the environment and the individual's needs. For children with autism, who may experience emotions more intensely and have difficulty expressing them, emotional regulation can be one of the most challenging executive functioning skills to develop.

As caregivers, we can help children build this ability—not by demanding calm behavior, but by teaching them how to understand, process, and respond to emotions in safe and effective ways.

Why Emotional Regulation is an Executive Function

To regulate emotions, a child must use multiple executive functioning skills simultaneously:

  • Inhibitory Control – Pausing instead of reacting impulsively

  • Cognitive Flexibility – Accepting change or shifting expectations

  • Self-Monitoring – Noticing when emotions are rising

  • Working Memory – Remembering strategies or past experiences that helped

When any of these are underdeveloped, children might:

  • React strongly to small changes

  • Struggle to calm themselves after getting upset

  • Lash out, cry, or shut down

  • Have trouble identifying or communicating how they feel

Recognizing Signs of Emotional Dysregulation

Children might not say “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” but their behavior can tell you a lot!

You might see:

  • Screaming, crying, or tantrums

  • Physical aggression (hitting, throwing)

  • Flight responses (running away, hiding)

  • Shutdowns (refusing to speak or move)

  • Increased stimming or repetitive behaviors

  • Rejection of help or comfort

Rather than framing this as “bad behavior,” reframe it as: a child doing the best they can with the skills they have at that moment


Foundational Strategies for Teaching Emotional Regulation


1. Name It to Tame It

Help your child recognize and name their feelings!

Here are some ideas:

  • Use a feelings chart with faces and labels

  • Model language: “I’m frustrated because the milk spilled.”

  • Narrate physical symptoms: “Your cheeks are red. Are you feeling angry?”

Over time, they begin to connect sensations and behavior with emotional vocabulary!


2. Use Visual Supports

Make emotions visible and understandable.

Great tools:

  • Zones of Regulation: Four color-coded zones to sort feelings

  • Emotion Thermometer: Helps gauge intensity

  • SPOT Emotion posters and books: Visuals with expressions and emotion names

  • Flipbooks or laminated cards showing coping options

3. Build a Calm-Down Toolbox

Prepare a physical kit of regulation aids tailored to your child’s needs

What to include:

  • Fidget toys, playdough, or putty

  • Headphones or soft music

  • Sensory bottle or glitter jar

  • Chewy necklaces or weighted blankets

  • Visual breathing guides or yoga cards

  • Comfort items your child prefers (stuffed animals, photos, favorite smells)

Keep it accessible and model using it during calm moments!


4. Practice Skills When Calm

Children don’t learn new regulation strategies during a meltdown. It’s so important to teach when they’re regulated!

Activity Ideas:

  • Role-play difficult scenarios

  • Watch videos of characters dealing with emotions

  • Teach, model and play out social stories

  • Use art or journaling to reflect on emotional experiences


5. Co-Regulate First

Self-regulation begins with co-regulation - a calm, supportive adult helping a child return to balance

Co-regulation looks like:

  • Sitting near them and breathing calmly

  • Saying: “You’re having a big feeling. I’m right here when you are ready.”

  • Matching their energy just enough to connect, then guiding them down

  • Gently offering tools: “Would you like your headphones or your squishy ball?”

6. Reinforce Attempts at Regulation

Praise effort and every win - no matter how small!

Say things like:

  • “You were upset and used your words. That’s hard to do.”

  • “You took three deep breaths before answering. That’s great self-control helping keep your body calm!”

  • “You asked for space instead of yelling, I’m so proud of you!”

Celebrate progress, not perfection!!!



When to Seek Additional Support

If your child’s emotional dysregulation regularly:

  • Disrupts school, home, or peer interactions

  • Involves physical aggression or self-injury

  • Creates safety concerns

...you may want to explore outside help:

  • Occupational Therapy – Especially helpful for sensory-based dysregulation

  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – Teaches thoughts–feelings–behavior links

  • Speech Therapy – Supports language development for expressing feelings

  • Caregiver coaching– Giving you the tools to help your child learn strategies helping them thrive!

Emotional regulation is a skill, not a character trait, and all children can build it with support.

By focusing on teaching rather than punishing, modeling calm rather than demanding it, and giving tools instead of threats, caregivers create a foundation for emotional resilience. Every meltdown is a learning moment. Every attempt to self-regulate is a step toward independence.

With time, patience, and the right support, your child can learn to understand their emotional world and navigate it with growing confidence!

Together, we win!